Well here we go again…. This time we definitely went into the transfer more hopeful and positive. It was our only other day 5 embryo, Olivia was the other day 5 embryo, and it was a girl. We have already had success with a day 5 female embryo. For some reason it gave us a sense of peace knowing that we have done this before and have a munchkin from it. We were still anxious, nervous, and scared. We still had doubt in our minds, but we also had more hope this time. I did all of the superstitions and we really prayed for this one. We have kept these past few transfers to ourselves due to us being nervous about the results. We were too afraid to tell anyone we were doing them because we wanted time to process it before we told anyone. This time though I was so sure that we almost shared with family. We chose not to because it was best for us to be able to process the information first. Going into this transfer we chose the name Chloe, it means fertility. We were hoping this would give us good vibes. I was also on a different medication protocol this time. My doctor called it the “kitchen sink” protocol. I was on so many meds and I was eating all of the good things. The day came, we went in hopeful. I did my best to make sure we listened to all of the guidelines, and I ate warm foods.

The day came where it was time for the blood test. My HCG was only an 11. I felt defeated. What did I do wrong? Why did my body carry a pregnancy with Olivia, but now can’t make it to 6.5 weeks, now 4.5 weeks? Why is the embryo not growing? I had surgery, so I know my uterus is nice and shiny now? Did I eat something wrong? Did I walk too much or not enough? Did drinking tap water instead of bottled water make a difference? Did I not pray enough? Did I skip a night of reading my affirmations? I immediately began blaming myself for what was happening. At this point we did not have the for sure we will miscarry, but HCG levels being that low meant it was very unlikely we would be getting good news in 48 hours. My next blood test came 48 hours later and my doctor made the phone call to me, not my nurse. I knew this was not going to be good news. My HCG was now a 6. The next thing to do was let my body miscarry, do scans to make sure my uterus is all clear, and do an ERA procedure. We had now lost 3 babies with IVF. I found myself lost and blaming myself for what was happening. It was not my fault, it is out of my control and I know this, but it is hard to not think “if I had done____ differently would it have worked”.

I remember a time when I thought having sex was all it took to get pregnant. I was naïve and had no clue what was waiting for me. I know this is a step in the right direction. We know it is not only male embryos, but what is the issue? I was told my doctor was reaching out to her colleagues for some advice. I love our doctor and I love that she is making sure she is doing everything in her power to help us. She is awesome. I love that she does not sugar coat it with me, she is real and tells me how it is. That is what I need, I know not everyone is like that. It is tough. I usually try to remain positive even with the miscarriages, but I feel defeated and that is ok. I should be sad and grieve. It is a loss that is unexplained as of now. We will keep fighting for a second little one, but we are extremely grateful to have one. This is not the end for us, but we now have to figure out where we go from here.

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