The anxiety, fears, nervousness, and worries that come with a pregnancy for someone who has suffered from infertility can be overwhelming. Hearing a baby’s heartbeat for the first time means tears of joy, but also tears of anxious nerves. That is if you hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

We decided to do a second transfer in the beginning of September. The process was the same as it was with Olivia’s transfer, but something felt different. I couldn’t figure out what it was, but something was different. We went into the transfer, I wore the same shirt and socks as I did with Olivia, and I was prepared to do all the superstitions I did with her. We knew this time we were transferring a male embryo but this time it was a day 6 embryo (Olivia was a day 5). We were handed the picture of this embryo after he was thawed, and he was very hatched compared to Olivia. We were both very hopeful he would stick. We went into the room and BOOM we were PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). When we left, we stopped for some fries at chick-fil-a (just like we did with Olivia). The remainder of the day I relaxed, and we watched Olivia play. The next day we had some quality family time and took Olivia to a museum. I returned to work, and we had a lot of family activities planned to distract us during the 2 week wait. The day finally came, and I did not have as good of a feeling going into this blood test. I waited for the office to call with my results and when they did I had so many feelings. Our results showed we were pregnant, but there was a “but” followed by that news. My HCG levels were only 38 which is very low compared to where they would like it to be. Due to my blood test being on a Thursday, this meant we had to wait until Monday to see if my HCG levels were increasing properly. Monday came and I got my lab results, my HCG had only increased to 71. I was told it was not rising how they would like it to, but the numbers were going up so we would repeat blood work in a couple of days. The next lab results showed my HCG was 152 and my highest HCG level was 208 (at 6 weeks). There was some concern that I might be having an ectopic pregnancy, or the pregnancy may not be viable. I ended up needing to make an emergency room trip when I started bleeding one night to make sure there was not any complications with a potential ectopic pregnancy. They were able to determine it was not an ectopic pregnancy and they located a gestational sac, but it was not developing properly so I was advised to follow up with my fertility doctor. I followed up the next day with my doctor who said she did not think it was going to be a viable pregnancy with how small the gestational sac was developing. The next day I got a phone call that my lab results showed my HCG levels had dropped. We found out that day this baby would never be held in our arms. We have had so many emotions with this transfer, so many worries, so many fears, and that day they were confirmed. We were going to have a miscarriage. All the hard work we put into this baby/embryo, and we would not get the chance to meet him. He was a PGT tested embryo and was deemed healthy. There is no guarantee with IVF or genetic tested embryos. There is still a chance there will not be a successful pregnancy. We both had so many emotions the day we found out we would not have a successful pregnancy, but we had also been preparing that this might be the outcome. The original boy’s name we had chosen was Lucas. Lucas means illuminating/light-giving. We chose to keep this name for our angel baby.

We have chosen to focus on the positives to help us cope with the loss of this pregnancy. This process has not been easy, I have been sick and had a lot of pains from it but focusing on the positives has helped. The positives are we have more embryos, we have a beautiful little miracle already in our lives, and we have a beautiful little family.

Leave a Reply